The year of 2014 is almost over. Its december 29th and I can barely comprehend the fact that this year is coming to an end. I spent all of this year in South Asia and had more adventures than I have in my whole life time. I traveled to four different countries, spent nights on trains and buses, saw world wonders, learned a new language, made life long friends and met people who have changed my life. Its been the craziest year of my life, and the greatest year of my life. 

But I think the strangest thing about this year is that, to all my friends and family back in America, this year is just big unknown. They have seen my pictures and heard my stories but its this whole year of my life that they really don't understand. You see South Asia can not be understood unless you've smelt it and heard it and felt the heat and cold of it. To a lot of people South Asia is this place they know of as a chaotic place, a lot of people have heard its hot here during the summer and have seen movies of the crazy crowds. But unless you have been in it it's hard to understand.  It gets so hot here that your'e always wet from sweat and you just don't eat anything but mangos for days because its simply too hot to eat. The crazy crowds are more than just a whole lot of people in one place, the crowds are full of so much noise and chaos and stares, its like every sense you have is on overload all the time. Its a place that is meant to be felt. 

I know a lot of people don't understand how such a crazy place has become my home and thats just another thing people wont understand from this year. They don't understand what the hugs feel like from the kids who had to be taught to hug because they had never been hugged before. My friends and family wont know the four girls who became my family here. They wont know what it feels like to sit and drink tea with your South Asian grandma who is crying because she is so alone. They wont ever know what it feels like to see thirty kids smile unbelievably big because of their simple christmas presents. My heart is full of South Asia and my friends and family don't know the people and places filling it. 

I have these two separate lives and I don't know how to connect them. I have two families and two homes. I am never going to be truly South Asian, but I don't feel American anymore either. 

2014 changed everything. 2014 was everything. 

My beautiful brothers and sisters, 

You have probably realized this, but in our family we don't all have the same skin color. I am white, you are not, and because of this you are probably going to experience life differently than me. As hard as it is for some people to admit to, we live in a world where skin color affects the way people treat you. You see, there are people in this world who believe they are better or should be better because they are white. And your'e going to meet these people in your life time and your'e going to be told you are "less", or be treated as "less" simply because you don't have the same skin color as them. You are probably going to be misjudged and a lot of people are going to assume you are one way just by the way you look. Its not fair, but it's a reality.

I see these things happening on the news, people being misjudged and oppressed, I see the racism and my heart aches for you already. The truth is, I have never experienced what you are going to live through, and I never will. We have the same parents, we live in the same city, we will all get the same education, but our lives will be different. 

So Kassidy, Gabriella, Brianna, Reyna, Jayden and Jacob; 

I pray you will love who you are, no matter what other people say , do or think. 

I pray you will take a stand when you aren't being treated as the person next to you. 

I pray you will walk with your head held high, knowing you are created by the same creator as every person around you. 

I pray you will accept everyone no matter who they are because you would want the same thing for yourself. 

I pray you will forgive those who hurt you, and you will pray for those who oppress you. 

I pray you grow as women and men of God, knowing that "There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus"

But mostly I pray that one day you will live in a world where we are all different colors but rejoice in the difference and love each other for exactly who we are. 

Love, your sister, 

Linnie 

“One day Jesus had his disciples get into a boat to go before him while he went up to a mountain to pray alone. When night came the boat was far away because of the wind and waves and so he walked to his disciples on the water. But when they saw him coming they were all afraid because they thought he was a ghost. So Jesus spoke to them and said ‘Do not be afraid, it is I’.

Peter said, ‘Lord if it is really you command me to come to you on the water’ and Jesus answered ‘come’.  So Peter got out of the boat and walked to Jesus on the water. But when he saw the wind he became afraid and began to sink so he cried to Jesus ‘Lord save me’. Jesus immediately reached out and took of hold of him saying ‘You of little faith, why do you doubt?’ And when they got into the boat the wind stopped and those in the boat worshipped him saying ‘Truly you are the Son of God’.”

I can not tell you how many times I have heard this story. I have always loved it and I imagine the picture of Jesus reaching for Peter from the Children’s bibles I used to read when I was a kid. But the other day my teammate told this story for a devotional and it completely came to life for me. Instead of picturing Jesus reaching for Peter as he is sinking I imagine Peter getting out of the boat and walking with a big grin on his face to Jesus who is waiting for him (I know the bible doesn’t say he is grinning but he’s walking on water and I think if I walked on water I would be grinning) 

I think for the first time I realize how much I am like Peter and it’s because of this story.  Peter has these really big moments where he has this insane boldness. While the other disciples are in the boat afraid of the man they think is the ghost Peter says tell me to come to you and then he just gets out of the boat and goes. I feel like he is always having these moments where he is so bold in his faith. Before the death of Jesus, Peter tells Jesus that he will not fall away from Jesus when the others do even if it means dying. He is so bold, but they are usually just these moments of insane boldness and then he falls, hard. He becomes afraid because of the wind and waves and maybe he can’t see Jesus anymore and that’s when he begins to sink. When Jesus is being questioned near His death Peter gets asked if he is the one who knew Jesus and he denies Jesus three times, he sinks quickly after he had proclaimed with so much boldness that he would not fall away.  Peter just has moments of courage and we get to see those and then we always see the moments when he loses his courage. 

I feel like I have similar moments in my life… I have these moments of boldness where I step out of the boat and literally am running to Jesus and then I see a wave and I fall, hard and quick. As a team we were talking about how this time in South Asia has felt similar to this, we had these moments of insane boldness as we got off the boat, or the plane in our case. For me the boldness was the moments I left my families embraced and stepped onto the plane. It was a moment of boldness, I had my eyes set on Jesus and He had commanded me to come when I had asked him to do so. I got here and I was walking to Jesus, I was grinning and laughing and overwhelmed because I was walking on water, then the waves and the wind came. I was afraid and in the midst of my storm I lost sight of Jesus. And sometimes I felt like I was sinking but Jesus was there immediately pulling me up and asking me why I continue to doubt Him. I was always frustrated because I felt like I had had huge moments of courage and boldness in my life but I always felt like I was falling hard immediately after. 

But I realized that this is not something to be ashamed of because like Peter I got out of the boat. I had that moment of boldness and yes I fell but oh the moments of boldness in walking on the water were so worth the fall. And if I never want to sink then that means never getting out of the boat but I just don’t see how that is an option. I want those moments of courage and boldness, even if that means I am going to fall hard, even if that means I am going to sink and for a short time I might feel like I am not going to make it. Those moments of sinking are worth it because I got out of the boat. 

A lot of people believe Peter ends up being crucified like Jesus but he requests to be crucified upside down because he didn’t think he deserved to be crucified like his Savior. His life ended in boldness. He saw so many moments in his life where he had fallen but I am sure that he remembered the moments where he was walking with Jesus, he probably remembered the sight of Jesus as he was walking on the water and knew that in the end the moments of boldness was worth the chance of falling.  And I think I want to live life like Peter until the end, boldly approaching the throne.

Yesterday we celebrated six months of living in South Asia. Our team went out to lunch and while there talked about different things from our time here.  We talked about what it would be like if our term had only been six months and we were going home right now. We talked about the funniest moments of these last six months like they happened years ago, including all the times we’ve been lost, all the awkward situations and the time I thought my roommate was a strange man trying to break into our apartment (on the seventh story). Then we talked about how it seemed to go by so fast while at the same time it felt like we were at the airport a lifetime ago. 

It’s crazy because I remember the day I left so vividly. I remember praying with my family in my brothers rooms, sobbing as my dad, mom, sisters and brothers prayed about my journey. Kass and Gab prayed like grown women in between tears, I don’t know when they grew into such amazing people. Reyna rubbed all of our backs, Brianna held my hand and we cried together while Jayden prayed that I wouldn’t be too sad about missing Halloween since that’s as far into the future he could think of. Jacob kept sneaking peeks at all of us because I am sure he had no idea why we were crying, no idea that when he woke up his buddy who used to give him piggy back rides and take him on starbucks dates wouldn’t be there for the next two years. I heard my mom and dad pray but couldn’t really process what they were saying because I was so overwhelmed by the moment. It’s a night I will never forget. I stayed up all night long with my best friend and my parents and grandma, we ate ice cream at 3 in the morning, watched law and order and I crocheted one last hat for my brother. Then we drove to the airport and I left. I swear it feels like it was yesterday and ten years ago all at the same time. 

I know six months does not seem like that long, and in reality it isn’t, but it is the longest I have ever been away from home and it has been a very long time. Its been six months since I have had root beer or starbucks, its been six months since I’ve held my nephew, six months since I’ve watched law and order with my mom, and six months since I have had in-n-out y’all. But its also been six months of a new life, six months of a new language, six months of new and amazing food, six months of so much laughter, six months of learning, six months of growing, and six months of life with 5 girls in an auto. 

If you saw me now I would probably look just the same as when you saw me in October.  My hair is longer, my arms are tan while the rest of my body is very white, I still suck at dancing, I love harry potter a little too much still, I talk about my family all the time and I still make stupid joke which most of the time I think are funnier than they really are. But I feel different. These last six months have changed everything. Everything. I feel like my heart and my soul and my mind have changed and it’s amazing and scary all at the same time. Its amazing because I know that its exactly what God intended, the biggest difference I feel is the overwhelming peace. But its also scary because I think about how different I am after six months and can’t imagine what I will look like at the end of these two years. Change is good, growth is good, but for me there always the fear that the change will cause a change in the things in my life that are already too good to be changed, things like my family and my friendship, the anticipation of that change already makes me nervous.

Time is just a funny thing. It can feel so big and so small and it change so much. My brother doesn’t understand time yet so everyday he wakes up and asks if it is tomorrow, well yes and no its yesterdays tomorrow but now its today. And I feel like I finally understand my brother, I wake up to new tomorrow’s but they are flying by and soon all of my tomorrows here in South Asia will be gone, and its all going to have happened so fast and so slow. These six months have flown by and been the best and hardest and longest six months of my life. How is that even possible? 

 

Holi is a major holiday here in South Asia and if you have ever watched any Bollywood movie then you have definitely seen a scene of a Holi celebration. It is a holiday to welcome the Spring and to say goodbye to the Winter. It is first and foremost a day for every single person in the country to act like a child. The squirt guns were brought out and all of the brightest colors were bought and everyone put on their old clothes knowing that by noon they would be covered in color. 

We were a little worried as a team because we didn't know who we were going to celebrate this huge holiday with but our apartment complex told us that they would be celebrating together and that we were welcome to come! So we got dressed then covered our bodies in coconut oil so the colored powder would not soak into our skin and hair and dye us for weeks and went down stairs. Again we were worried as we went down stairs because we thought our neighbors would treat us different than the other neighbors, we were worried no one would throw colors on us and we just thought people might be timid. We immediately realized these fears were ridiculous. 

The second we stepped outside we were covered from head to toe in colored powder and water. We were shot with water guns, we had whole buckets of colored water dumped on us and everyone was walking up to us and wishing us a happy Holi as they smeared color on us. There was one person who really loved the color silver so he made a thick pace from his silver powder and through out the entire day would come up and cover our faces in the silver powder. So here we were thinking we might get some color and thinking we were still going to look semi-decent but by the end we look like tin men or aliens. It was ridiculous and so so great. We covered each other in color and water for most of the afternoon then had a dance party and spent a long time getting the color off of us. 

When I began to think about how great this day was I couldn't stop smiling. I just loved everything about the holiday and I didn't know if it was because of feeling like a kid or dancing with my roommates but then I realized it was because for the first time in six months we weren't standing out as the white foreigners. I could barely tell my teammates apart from the other neighbors and it was SO GREAT. We weren't the Americans, we just all the same people running around our apartment complex acting like kids. And the best thing was that for the first time since being here we weren't different colors, we were all the same, simply colorful. 

Never before in my life have I ever thought so much about one single word. But as I've lived in South Asia for a little over four months I find myself not only thinking about this word all the time but i find myself waking up every morning begging my Lord for this one thing. Boldness.

I've never really seen myself as a fearful person, I've always tested my limits and my parents will tell you "I kill them" with how nonchalant I am about certain things I've done. When I was  in 4th grade I wanted to be an astronaut more than anything so I saved up all year and that summer I made my parents take me to Astrocamp (for reals y'all ) . I knew no one and my parents looked at me like I was insane as I waved and said see you in a few weeks.  In highschool I lived  a life that didn't need boldness, everything was  comfortable and the scariest thing I did was  play the base guitar in front of  my congregation on Sunday mornings.  But since I had a heart for working with the body of Christ overseas I  went to college knowing  that I would need a little more boldness than I had ever had before.

So I started  college and pursued my "calling"  or my "passion" or whatever you want to call it but I went for it. I knew I was supposed to be overseas so that's where I headed. I spent every summer in a different country , serving with different people,  learning new things and mostly realizing  more than ever before how  much I lacked boldness. I would spend most of the summer loving it but at the same time being so anxious that I wasn't doing it good enough, I wasn't loving enough, I missed my family too much, I wasn't brave enough. I wasn't brave enough to give my testimony in front of a group of people I didn't know, I wasn't brave enough to start a conversation with someone I didn't know, I wasn't brave enough to speak the language for fear or messing up. I spent a lot of my summers in constant fear and then I would come home.

The greatness of the summer always outweighed the fear. I would come home and forget that I woke up fearful and went to bed fearful because I would move home where  I had little to fear and everything was okay.  Then I decided to move away for two years and well the fear started to creep back in. This summer I was fearful of asking people for support, I was afraid of speaking in front I the church, I was afraid of leaving my family, I was afraid I would fail. But  all I needed was 10  seconds  of insane courage and I got on the plane.  I left my family, my friends, my life, and moved across the world to a new place with new things and new people. But it's been four months and I have finally realized that I will not make it if I live these next two years in fear.

I need boldness to speak to people in Hindi and know that when I mess up  that I need to be bold enough to try again. I need boldness to start conversations with people. I need boldness to cross the streets. And yes I need boldness to walk past cows without fearing I'm gonna die . I need boldness to live fully for Christ  without the fear that I'm not doing it right. Gods word talks about being strong and courageous but what has really spoken to me lately is what Paul says in Ephesians,

"This was according to the eternal purpose that he has realized in Christ Jesus our Lord., in whom we have boldness and access with confidence through our faith in him." -Ephesians 3:11-12

Here's what I  know about this be verse, all the boldness, courage and confidence I could ever need comes from the faith I have in Jesus Christ . And its blowing my mind. I feel so renewed and so strong knowing that I am too weak to do any of it. It's all him. The boldness it's all him. And through him, well we've got this. I can cross the streets with boldness. I can speak with boldness. I can live my life for Christ, through Christ in boldness. Whether here or in the states I have a new found boldness, it's changing my life y'all.

(Side note this blog was written on my iPhone , forgive me for any errors)

Sometimes I'm horrible at expressing myself through writing, so here's to an incredibly awkward video of myself telling you all about what I have been learning.

"I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner Worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit- just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call- one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all. " 

-Ephesians 4:1-6